On Producing

Being a production manager has never really been a role that I ever wanted to get involved with, while I was doing some reading I've learned that being a producer can be really very creative but during my experiences so far its been the complete opposite.

Growing up a lot of people said that I naturally assume the role of a leader, I very rarely sit at the back and let other people do all the work, I have to get involved, I push myself and so I push others. I hate being disorganized. I suppose in a group without a natural leader or a clear plan I find that I seem to step up 99% of the time and I fucking hate myself for it! Don't get me wrong, to produce good work you have to have a plan and I know I can trust myself to do whats needed to get the project moving and stay on track, the problem is; its such a lot of work, work that takes me away from the reason why I want to get into film making.

It goes without saying that our documentary has hit every hurdle since take off, we've had contributors pull out, change in directions, people simply not wanting to talk to us, the ongoing and never ending search for a narrative in a place where none really exists, its been a real struggle. Because of all the emails, research and general paper work that has been involved I just haven't got going creatively. As arrogant as it sounds I know this documentary requires my creative input and I just haven't been able to really look at it from a creative angle. If anything the hours of sending emails has sapped all my creativity, instead of thinking what a contributor can bring to the film in terms of narrative I'm just thinking thank god we have someone to talk to us, lets look for the next one! Perhaps that's the problem, I've been so focused on bringing in quantity I've completely missed quality. Having said that if I hadn't have brought in the contributors our documentary would still be an idea on a bit of paper. Its been hard.

I've certainly been glad of the Easter break, its given me chance to recharge my batteries. Towards the end of the last semester I did feel my confidence, energy and enthusiasm disappear. It was unusual for me to get as emotional as I did, I'm normally pretty hard faced but this film, every bloody waking moment its been the only thing I could think about. I mean no disrespect to my team but I think the only other person who truly cares about this film as much as I do is my director, without that real team unity getting to where we are has been really difficult and we've still got loads more to do!